Luka Suban

Birth year: 1988Gender: Non-binary

Now if I look back, I say "it was clear that I was trans." Since the moment they told me to draw a person and I drew him with pants, with short hair, you know? With his hands in his pockets, and what the psychologist said was “ah, she has an issue with sexual identification, she has some issue there. Another psychologist said "no, it's that she has a kind of depression." Another said “no, it's that she’s bipolar,” another “it's not that, she has schizophrenia.” ...Now I look back and it was super obvious, I was just a trans person, and when I told people I felt like something wasn’t me, they said “oh, depersonalization, or problems with reality.”

⸻ Self portrait
⸻ Body

When I came across the concept of "queer" or "not straight," which I once heard on television or something like that, I took it as my own. I said "this is it." In today's words I knew that I was not a cishetero person, but at that time I had no name for it.

I didn't know that trans people existed, but looking back I always did “boy” things.

⸻ Environment

It's easy to confuse things, especially if you don't know that trans people exist, because for me, at most there were trans women, who were transvestites, and they were engaged in prostitution. That is like the image that I had all my life until I was in my 20s.

⸻ Archive

I didn’t know how to say it, I didn’t know how to put it into words, and verbalizing it would make it real. So I was also afraid to say it with a name, to say you know what? I'm trans. It's not this confusing thing anymore. It is no longer this not knowing who I am, it is not that at times I feel like this, or think this. It is a statement, it is taking something on. And I was too afraid to say it.

Thanks to these YouTube videos and photos, I said “this is it.” And I listened to his stories and they were very similar to mine. And a window of hope opened up for me with the possibility of being happy.

⸻ Objects
⸻ Family portrait