Rayén Díaz

Birth year: 1988Gender: Non-binary

I think mostly for political reasons and because it’s the scene that I’m most involved in that I sometimes call myself transfeminine, but… at this point I’m more indifferent about which pronoun people use with me as long as they use my name.

Who I am?
“It’s a boy,” said the doctor.
And later they gave me a name and a number.
1 6 7 4 8 3 7 4 7
Who the fuck am I?
“You’re a little girl,” the boys who beat me up told me
after seeing me cry
Who I am?
Who the fuck am I?
Who the fucking fuck am I?
A man, because he has a penis but behaves like a woman.
Am I a man? Nope.
I’m nothing like them, I’m not even half of what
They are.
Am I a woman?
“How can you be a woman if you talk like a man?”
“How can you be a woman if you have a penis?”
“You make no effort to look like a woman”
“You were born a man and you will die as a man”
“You’re so butch”
I look nothing like them, I’m not even half of what
They are.
So who am I?
I’m not anything they wanted from me.
I am nothing like I expected to be,
but I am more and much more than all that.
I am non-existent to those who tried to tell me who I was.
I’m an aberration for everything preset.
I am constantly an improved version of myself.
Who the fuck cares who I am?
Only I know who I am.

⸻ Body

Being a little queer kid in the 90s here was terrible, of course. I was viciously teased for doing things that were not for children with penises. They even criticized me for crying a lot because I cried very easily. Now I'm kind of going back and redeveloping that because… but yeah, I used to cry a lot. And well, that also meant bullying for me in elementary school.

⸻ Environment

When I was a little girl I thought "maybe I'll get married at 25." I think it was because there was also a lot of idealization of what it was like to start a family, because currently it's not something I want to do.

I spent eight years studying there and in my fourth year I remember that I started dating another boy. And at some point, as a result of a family conversation, they practically took me out of the closet. Very, very much asking me, like "hey, are you gay?" But it was... it was tense to the extent that, I mean, I was very clear that I had to say it, but I didn't expect it to be in that kind of a situation.

⸻ Archive

2013 was the first time that the idea of transitioning ever crossed my mind. But when this happened, it was a moment in which I was also depressed and... I decided to meditate on it because I thought, "Am I going to transition because I'm really trans or is this a moment of sadness that is very, very sporadic?"

At the end of the day, as a user of mental health services, you still have to have the will to do things and make decisions. And I remember that I was, I was taking the pills that I had taken at 17, but this time I was responsible with the pills and that's why they worked. And when I was still in treatment, at some point the idea of living as trans came to my mind and that's when it caught me off guard because I was… unlike the other two times, in a very good state of mind.

⸻ Objects
⸻ Family portrait